Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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