if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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