If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
