They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
