She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
