As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
