so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
