Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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