Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Randomize
