You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
