I just pynch a tree in the face
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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