She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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