that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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