my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
her vagine was all disorganized.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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