fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
