Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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