Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
