Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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