god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
