I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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