Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
