I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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