I want to make a zoo with you.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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