I haven't been this sober since birth.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
