goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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