i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
