Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
