I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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