You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
