Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
