you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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