Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
