His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
