I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
