woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
