two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
