This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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