I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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