you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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