Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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