sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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