Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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