just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize