I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
