I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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