You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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