Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
