Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
