Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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