So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We left the knife in your bed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize