she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm like, not good at living.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
