My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
