dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
