So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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