I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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