Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize