It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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