so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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