When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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