i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
