They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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