Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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