I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
